It’s one of the most common questions we receive, and with great warrant.

“My [adult] child is living with a mental illness, but they refuse to get help. What can I do?”

And when we hear this question we find ourselves grieving with the one asking it. Is there anything more painful than watching one of the people you love most suffer needlessly at the hands of a mental affliction for which help is available but unwanted?

Here are a few things that you, the parent, can do for your adult child experiencing a mental health challenge.

1. Pray

And you’re thinking, “I do that. I do it all the time.”

To which I say: Thank you. Your prayers are heard by a loving Father who loves the work you’re doing to care for His child and yours. I think we get this backwards sometimes. We imagine that we’re the ones with concern for the child and He’s the one we’re begging to intervene and engage.

The truth is very much the opposite. We can’t begin to care for our child more than God does, and when we pray, it’s we who are coming alongside God in the work He’s doing. He loves our prayers for our children. Cherishes them. Is overjoyed when we join him in pursuing the recovery of the ones we, and He, loves so greatly.

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2. Share Your Concern With Grace and Seek to Understand

As parents, one of the hardest things we face is resisting the urge to fix things for our kids. And of course it’s hard—after all, we’ve spent eighteen or more years doing exactly that!

But now, they’re not little kids anymore. They’re adults. They get to make their own choices, even when we’re sure we know better. And I say this with a half-smile: What a shame. We’re parents! Isn’t that our thing? Of course we (think) we know what’s best

But here’s the catch: they usually don’t want any part of our advice. Not unless they ask. And even then, it’s hit or miss.

And that’s okay. Independence is a good thing. You raised someone who feels confident that they’re able to navigate the difficulties of life without constant hand holding. You did good, mom and dad. You made an adult. So then how do we express concern without entering into parent mode?

We recognize that the people we’re talking to are, well, people. Their own persons. As children, they needed direct guidance, as adults they want someone who understands how they feel.

Imagine two conversations:

“John, you need to see a psychiatrist. You’re not going to get better if you don’t take action. You should make the phone call today. Promise me you’ll do it. Do you want to be sick forever?”

And then another option…

“I see you hurting. I notice you don’t leave the house much anymore. You’re not enjoying the things you once enjoyed. Do you think maybe you could help me understand how you’re feeling or what’s been on your mind?

And then do the hardest thing ever. Just listen.
Listen and show that you’re listening. 

Repeat back to them a paraphrased version of what they’re saying. “I hear you saying that getting out of bed in the mornings is hard because you’re so anxious about work.” 

Or if you didn’t understand precisely what they said, ask for clarification. Don’t be thinking about the thing you want to say when they’re finished. Be thinking of the next question you can ask of them.

And papa, don’t preach. Instead, be quick to listen and slow to speak. That’s the job of the parent of an adult child living with a mental illness.

When they’re done, you can say something like “Thank you so much for what you shared with me. I love you and..”  and this part is important, “I have hope for you. I think your best days are still ahead.” That goes a long way. It gives them the freedom to believe that they could one day feel better than they do right now.

And then, after listening and affirming, do that again and again. Show your child over time that you’ve willingly stepped out of your role as authoritarian, and have taken on the new role as counselor and companion. You can always let them know you’re there when they’re ready to pursue help. And when they finally say, “Thank you. I’d like that.” You can…

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3. Refer them to Bless This Brain

We’ll take it from here. (Well, not really. But we can help with some of the hard stuff.)

As peers with lived experience, our heart is for helping people get the type of help that we’ve received. The kind of help that changed our lives.

We can help them find a therapist or a psychiatrist. If there’s any type of professional help available and accessible, we can find it. We’ll work with your child to find someone who takes their insurance (or serves those who have none), who is accepting new patients, and who can see them sooner than later.

This is a lot of work. We do it because we know how hard it is to take this on while experiencing distressing mental health symptoms. And we’re able to do it for free thanks to the generous support of our donors.

We also offer something called a Recovery Cohort. It’s a 12-week peer-led support program that seeks to undo the stigma we internalize as Christians living with mental illnesses. Each week, we encourage, support, and pray for one another. This particular service we offer is based on our result-driven belief that recovery is more effective when we pursue it together.

And if they agree to reach out to us, you can always offer to help them do so. You can assist them in filling out our Client Intake Form for Healthcare Navigation. You can facilitate an introduction to us over video, phone, or in person. You can offer to drive them to their first appointment.

Visit our services page to learn more about what we offer and how to get help.

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4. Share our Podcast

The Bless This Brain podcast is meant to help gently untangle the mess that is living with a mental health challenge, and we do it with gentleness, love, and understanding. Many who listen have found the strength and freedom to finally pursue recovery though initially reluctant. These are short audio messages. No more than 5-7 minutes on average.

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5. Educate Yourself

If your child is anxious, read a book about anxiety or listen to a podcast featuring someone telling of their own experience. If they’re living with the symptoms of bipolar disorder, watch a documentary on bipolar disorder. Resources abound. And if you don’t know where to start, check out our Resources Page or reach out to us at in**@************in.com. We got recommended resources out the wazoo.

You don’t need to take everything you’ve been educating yourself on and communicate it to your child. In fact, we’d discourage it.

The point is not to learn for them; to learn about them. Because doing so increases your ability to empathize, makes you a better listener, and companion on their journey.

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6. Know the Crisis Line

Sometimes you find that your child is in crisis. Maybe they’re a potential danger to others. Or maybe they’re suicidal. You don’t have to walk through that alone.

988. It’s a powerful number. Save it. Calling or texting 988 gets you in touch with a local crisis care professional. They’re excellent at diffusing crisis situations, and it helps to know that you’re not by yourself in the midst of these difficult experiences.

So whether it’s you reaching out while with your child, or your child reaching out to them directly, utilize 988 for those times when mental health crisis care is needed.

And should the situation warrant immediate response due to physical endangerment, don’t be afraid to call 911. Just be sure to let them know that the help you need is related to a mental health crisis.

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7. Don’t Forget to Take Care of Yourself

It’s easy to get lost in the care of others. When someone we love is experiencing mental health trouble, that trouble demands our time, our effort, our emotion. And because they’re someone we love dearly, we don’t hesitate to offer ourselves with reckless abandon. It’s our kid!

But it’s important to remember that when we completely wreck ourselves caring for one person experiencing a mental health challenge, all we do is create a second person experiencing a mental health challenge.

Consider reaching out to a warm line. These are peer support resources built to support YOU. The helper. Sometimes you just need to share what you’re experiencing with someone who understands the challenges your loved one is facing. In Pima county the warm line number is (520)770-9909, for the rest of Arizona it’s (844)733-9912. It’s likely there is a warm line serving your area.

Self care doesn’t have to be selfish. Taking care of yourself can be an act of love for others. When you’re well rested, when your tank is full, that’s when you’re best able to do the work of caring for someone else. So ask yourself “What do I enjoy? What gives me life? What helps me rest?” and then carve out time for whatever your answer is. Guard it for the precious thing it is. Your self care is a gift to those you seek to help.

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And here’s the final word…

As mentioned before, you raised a kid who is now an independent adult. That was hard, but you did it. You helped bring about a person who is a completely separate person from you. A person who is able and entitled to make their own decisions. And as difficult as it is for those of us who love them, they’re also entitled to make decisions that are just… bad. And to be fair, we’ve all probably made decisions our parents were not particularly fond of.

You weren’t a perfect parent. Of course you weren’t! I’m yet to meet one. You were a parent who did the best you could with the tools you had. And you’re still doing the best you can. That’s all you can do. My dear beloved friend, know that’s enough. You can listen if they’re willing to share. You can help them find care if they agree to seek care. And you can even intervene against their wishes when a crisis situation arises.

But beyond that, almost all you can do is pray. You can always pray. Know that when you do, you’re not begging God to get to work on behalf of your child. No. You’re joining him in the work He’s already doing.

• Share Your Concern With Grace and Seek to Understand
• Refer them to Bless This Brain
• Share our Podcast
• Educate Yourself
• Know the Number for the Crisis Line 988
• Don’t Forget to Take Care of Yourself